The Exorcist Part II- The Night Stalker

Whenever I approach a celebrity on the train, I try to use an original opening line. For example- the first time I met Jessica Tandy, I said something like-“Wow! Now I can tell everybody that I drove Miss Daisy.” She and her husband, actor Hume Cronyn, gave me a polite smiles, but I had the feeling that they thought I was a jerk.

I once had the legendary actress, Eva Marie Saint on my train. When I saw her, I said something like: “Here I am in Grand Central with Eva Marie Saint. I feel like Cary Grant in “North by Northwest.” Eva gave me a wary smile, but her children (who are about my age) thought it was a laugh riot.

One night, about ten years ago, I had "The Exorcist” actress, Linda Blair on my train. I saw her seated in the distance and I immediately began searching my mind’s database for a good Linda Blair opening line. It went something like this:

Linda Blair- Search (Gears in my brain turning):

Spinning head…Nope, too corny.
Pea soup…Nope, too cliché.
Shared Birthday…Bingo!

When I collected her ticket I said:

“Ms. Blair, do you know that we share the same birthday?”

“WE DO?” She seemed genuinely thrilled.

“Yes we do.”

“How do you know my birthday?”

“I don’t know. I think Jeanne Dixon, Joyce Jillson or Sidney Omarr told me. You know...”

Birthday Horoscope- If January 22nd is your birthday: 2007 will be a year of change for you, but don’t worry Aquarius, you'll always land on your feet. Celebrities that share your birthday: Diane Lane, Michael Hutchense, Linda Blair, George Foreman, Sam Cooke, Bill Bixby, Lord Byron, Francis Bacon.

“Well, I’m flattered that you remembered.”

“You know, I’ve spent the last couple of minutes trying to think of something witty to say to you. I thought of making a joke about your head spinning, or something about you spewing pea soup, but I figured that you’ve heard em’ all.

“You’re right…I have.”

That was about the extent of our conversation, but I think I won her over with the whole birthday thing. When she got off the train she smiled, and gave me a big wave goodbye.
When I got home from work that night I told my wife about meeting Linda Blair, and how I told her about our shared birthday.

“You told her that you know when her birthday is?” My wife asked incredulously.

“Yeah.”

“Oh great. Now she probably thinks that you’re a stalker.”

“No. It wasn’t like that at all. I told her that I knew her birthday from the horoscopes in the newspaper. She seemed genuinely thrilled.”

“Yeah, right. She’s probably already has a restraining order against you.”

Now my head was spinning.

House of Wax

Wow! What a whirlwind day. This "Derailed" blog thing has really taken off. One of my readers invited me over to her estate on 42nd St. for a dinner party. I wasn't in the door more than two minutes when Larry King accosted me.

"Hey Conductor to the Stars!"

"Hey Larry!"

"What brings you here?"

"The lady who owns this joint reads my blog, I think her name is Madame Tussaud, anyway she says she loves my stuff and she invited me over to hobnob with "the beautiful people. "

"Well we're pleased to have you here. Ya know... I hear good things about 'Derailed.' I hear book deal. I hear movie deal."

"Yeah Larry...From your lips to God's ears."

"No, really! Woody and I were just talking about you. I think he has something in mind. You should go over and talk to him. He's sitting over there in the corner."

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained... I guess. Thanks Larry! Oh, by the way...You need a mint!"



"Woody...Woodman...Woodster! Woody, I love ya babe."

"Well then... you're the only one. Ever since the Soon-Yi thing, I've become a parhia at these parties. Yoko Ono gets a better reception than me!"

"Well then, I guess we'll have plenty of time to talk. Larry King tells me you're thinking of developing a project around "Derailed." Is that true?

"I'm very interested. In fact I was just trying to convince Robin Williams to portray you.

"Woodman, Ya know I love ya, but I really don't think Robin and I look anything alike.



I really have someone else in mind. Someone who can better capture my soul. Someone like...



"No really Sam. I think you'd be perfect for the part!



I wasn't at the party long when I started to hear people muttering things like: "That's HIM!" and "Conductor to the Stars" and "Movie deal." Before I knew it, I was surrounded.




"Julia baby, don't embarrass yourself. I'm a married man!"



"I'M HOT! Oh I bet you say that to all the boys."


"Wow, I must be hot. I even met Baby Suri."



"Baby, I don't know if 'Chicken of The Sea' is chicken or tuna either. What I do know... is that you'd be perfect as my wife (In the movie of course!) Have your girl call my girl. We'll do lunch!