Saturday, March 29, 2008

Badfella

What happened that evening in 1996 was surreal and like something out of a Martin Scorsese movie.

Scene one:

The opening shot shows a deserted, dimly lit train platform in New Haven, CT:


Sunday, Memorial Day Weekend, 1996, 2 AM

Flashes across the screen.


My tale begins 12 years ago on Memorial Day weekend. I was working the 11:22 train home from New York to New Haven on a Saturday night. This train has a Waterbury Branch connection, meaning that we had several branch passengers, or “Naugatuck Valley Mutants” as my coworkers call them. Most of these people are hard working, God fearing individuals, but there are also several ne’er do wells, many fresh from serving prison terms, returning from stints in a half way houses, rehab facilities or methadone clinics. Most are on the low end of society’s economic scale. Some are dirty; others missing teeth, and many have a hard time coming up with a ticket or train fare.

On this particular night, I collected a Waterbury ticket from a thin glassy-eyed Puerto Rican man in his mid twenties. He spent most of the ride taking nips from a bottle of whiskey he had wrapped in a paper bag. He looked a little inebriated, so I warned him to stay awake or he’d miss his connection in Bridgeport. He grunted something unintelligible to me and then closed his eyes. Somewhere around Milford (two stops beyond Bridgeport) I heard a loud pounding on my train cab door. It was my drunken amigo.

“Where’s the Waterbury train?” He asked.

I looked at my watch and said, “Half way to Waterbury by now. You must have slept past your stop.”

“How am I going to get to Waterbury?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “That was the last connection of the night. Maybe you can get a cab in New Haven.”

“NO,” he screamed. “YOU have to get me to Waterbury!”

I assumed he meant “you” as in Metro North and I told him that the railroad couldn’t be held responsible for people who fall asleep and miss their station stops.

“Yo man,” he said. “You think this is funny or something? You better get that smirk off your face.”

I didn’t realize I had a smirk on my face, but his threatening manner was making me a little nervous, so maybe I flashed a defensive grin.

“You better get me to Waterbury.”

“We’re done here,” I said, and I slammed the cab door in his face. He then spent the next five minutes pounding on my cab door, calling me names and threatening to kick my ass. Thankfully, we were almost to New Haven, so I didn’t bother calling for the cops.


Scene two:

Suddenly, as if to break the eerie silence, a silver and red striped train streaks across the picture, Clickety-Clack, Clickety-Clack, C-l-i-c-k-e-t-y-C-l-a... The train slows to rumble and then makes an abrupt stop.

The muffled sound of a conductor’s announcement can be heard:

“This is New Haven, our final station stop. Don’t forget your personal belongings and watch your step when leaving the train.”

The doors slide open and the commuters groggily spill out onto the platform and then descend down the stairs and into the station. One passenger, a thin Hispanic man in his mid 20’s, steps out onto the platform and then hides in the shadows.

The camera angle shifts and we see a balding, disheveled conductor, stepping off his train and slowly walking down the platform towards his car in the employee parking lot. The Hispanic man steps out of the shadows, reaches into a blue knapsack and quickly stuffs a shiny metal object into his right hand coat pocket. The conductor turns and sees the man and recognizes him as his disgruntled passenger.

“Hey conductor! Remember me?”

“Yeah, I said. “I remember.”

“Let’s see how funny you think I am now.”

He then brandished an outstretched pocket, as if he were hiding a gun, and dug a hard metal object into the middle of my back.

“Let’s see who’s laughing now,” he asked.


Scene three:

An aerial shot shows the wide expanse of the New Haven rail yard. A conductor is shown crossing the tracks, followed closely by a thin black haired man. The pair disappear into a white trailer at the edge of the tracks.




“Bill” I said as we entered the Stationmaster’s trailer. “There’s a guy here with a gun at my back.”

Bill, the Stationmaster, knows that I have a strange sense of humor, and he must have thought I was joking.

“I’m not kidding,” I said. “Can you find a train to take this guy to Waterbury?”

Bill, quickly assessed the situation and pushed past my new friend and I. He then walked out of the trailer and into his pick up truck that was parked outside. Seconds later, he returned with a fanny pack in his hand.

“You want to see a real gun?” Bill asked the passenger. “I’ll show you a real gun.”

Bill unzipped his fanny pack and displayed a small metal handgun.

“You think I’m afraid of you?” My passenger asked. “You think I’m afraid of getting shot? You think I’m afraid to die?”

Seeing that Bill had a gun, I suddenly got brave and found my voice again. “Listen pal” I said. “Someone might get hurt here. Why don’t you do us all a favor and get lost.”

Surprisingly, my passenger heeded my advice and removed the object he’d jabbed into my back and walked out of the trailer. Bill and I watched as he crossed the tracks and into Union Station.




Scene four:

A Hispanic man is on a pay phone in Union Station in New Haven. An MTA police officer cautiously approaches him and takes the phone from his hand. The cop then throws the man against a wall and begins frisking him.

“Where’s the gun?” Demands the cop.

The passenger says there is no gun, only a small metal camera tripod that he carries in the front pocket of his coat. The cop asks why the man carries a camera tripod in his pocket.

“I had a complaint against the conductor,” he says. I just wanted to take his picture.”



Epilogue:

I promised Bill (not his real name) that I wouldn’t tell this story until he died or retired.

Happy Retirement!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Justin Wong...uh...Long

I’ve been hesitant about writing about my encounter with actor Justin Long, because I figured most of you have never heard of him. But yesterday, when I was at the checkout line at the local grocery store, I saw his picture plastered on the glossy cover of this week’s People Magazine. There he is shown in blue swimming trunks, while cavorting in the Caribbean surf with his bikini-clad girlfriend, actress Drew Barrymore. The story is really about Drew, but still, I figure if he’s big time enough for People Magazine, he’s big time enough for a post on “Derailed.”

A few months back, I was collecting tickets on one of my afternoon trains, when a thin, boyish-looking guy, sporting razor stubble and Wayfarer sunglasses came walking down the aisle. He had just left the bar car and was carrying an army green duffel bag over his shoulder and a bag of newly purchased pretzels in his hand. I remember thinking that he looked a little nervous and suspicious. It was as if he were trying hard not to be recognized. This made me think that he was either:

A.) A terrorist.
B.) In the witness protection program.
C.) Some sort of celebrity.

It wasn’t till I spoke with Seth, our bartender, that I found out “C” was the right answer.

“Did you see that guy with the pretzels?” asked Seth.

“Yeah.” I answered.

“That’s the guy from the movie ‘Accepted.”

I had never seen the movie ‘Accepted,’ but Seth seemed pretty excited that he had just sold this guy pretzels. I must have gotten caught up in Seth’s excitement, because when I collected his ticket, (he was seated in the last seat, hidden in a corner) I asked:

“So, I hear you’re an actor?”

“Yeah,” he answered, seeming a little embarrassed.

“The bartender tells me that you were in the movie ‘Accepted.”

“That was me,” he whispered, as almost to say; can you please keep it down?

I ignored this, and continued with my inquisition.

“What’s your name?”

“Justin…Justin Long.”

“Justin WONG?” I asked loudly (funny, he didn't look Chinese.)

“No, No,” he whispered, “Long…you know, like the opposite of short.”

“Oh, LONG!”

He now began slouching down in his seat.

“What brings you to Connecticut?”

“I’m from Fairfield and I came home to visit my parents.”

“Hey,” I said. “Do you know that actor…Jesse something…you know, the kid from ‘Flags of Our Fathers?”

“Jesse Bradford?”

“Yeah, yeah…that’s him. “You know, he’s also from Fairfield, and he’s ridden my train a couple of times. He seems like a nice guy.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I know him. Our parents are good friends.”

“Well it was nice to meet you Justin.”

“Nice to meet you too,” he said.

He seemed to be relieved when I walked away.

I continued collecting tickets till I came upon a group of guys in their twenties. I asked if they had ever heard of an actor named Justin Long and I pointed in his direction. They turned around and stared. One guy said that Long played the cool “Mac” guy against the nerdy Bill Gates’ look-alike PC guy in the current Apple Computer commercials.

“Oh, that’s him?” I asked.

Now that I had seen some of his work, I began to respect Mr. Long as a true artist. The next time I passed by him, I stopped and explained that I write a blog called “Derailed” and it contains a lot of stories about my celebrity encounters. I then began to reach for my cell phone and asked if he’d be willing to take a picture with me for one of my posts…

“No… that’s okay,” he said…"I’d rather not.”

I was tempted to thumb through the “pix” section of my phone and show him my photos with Gwen Stefani and “Mikey” from the Life Cereal commercials.

“What,” I’d ask, “You think you’re too big for my little blog? You think you’re a bigger star than Gwen or Mikey? Huh punk?”

I lost my nerve, and in the end I thanked him for his time and wished him luck.

Since our encounter, I have seen Justin Long all over the place (especially since he started dating Drew). He was in the most recent “Die Hard” movie with Bruce Willis and he is now, apparently, Hollywood’s hottest new actor.

I hope when he gets his first Oscar, he thanks the “Conductor to the Stars” for giving him his first big break.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

We intrerrupt this message...

Sorry I haven't written lately folks, but I 've been working crazy hours, which has left me feeling too tired and uninspired to write anything. A few of this morning's news headlines have rousted me out of bed and to the computer.

Item one: Police Investigate Time Square Blast By Derek Rose AP

New York-An explosive device caused minor damage to an empty military reruiting station in Time Square early Thursday, shaking guests in hotel rooms high above "the crossroads of the world."

The reason this news item is significant to me, is that two weeks ago, my family and I took a mini vacation in the city. We had tickets to see "Wicked" and "Mary Poppins," ate at "Carmines" (one of our favorite restaurants) and spent a couple of nights at the Marriot Marquis Hotel in Time Square (that would be one of the hotels that shook.) Our room overlooked the military recruiting center where this blast occured. Here's a picture my daughter took from our hotel room window:


Item two: Dozens of suburban trains delayed after vacant NYC building partially collapses March 5, 2008

BY ASSOCIATED PRESS NEW YORK---- A vacant five-story apartment building scheduled for rehabilitation partially collapsed Tuesday, leading to the suspension of dozens of rush-hour suburban trains amid fears the vibrations could cause more bricks to fall. There were no immediate reports of injuries.

Two days ago, a building that is adjacent to Metro North tracks collapsed in Harlem. This shut down the railroad for a couple of hours and caused major delays. Luckily, my inbound train only suffered a 10 minute delay. Amazingly, a news crew had a camera rolling and caught the building collapse as it happened, (there's a short commercial but it's worth the wait.)

Sunday, February 17, 2008

David Groh

Last week it was reported that Rhoda's husband, actor David Groh, passed away at the age of 68. This was significant to me for two reasons:

a.) Groh was the first celebrity I ever met on the train, (I guess you could say that he started me on my 'Conductor to the Stars' career.)


b.) He was nasty to me.


About 21 years ago, I was collecting tickets on a New Haven bound train, when I came upon Mr. Groh. He had his head down, reading a book, when I asked him for his ticket. I referred to him by his 'Rhoda' character name...

"Hey Joe."

He didn't respond and I thought that maybe he didn't hear me, so I tried again.


"You're the guy who played Rhoda's husband...right?"


Mr. Groh now looked up from his book and gave me a very sarcastic smile and then, as if to dismiss me, went back to reading his book. I stood there embarrassed, not knowing exactly what to say. I think I finally mumbled an apology and said something like,"I guess you're sick of answering that question...huh? Again, he didn't respond and I walked away red-faced.

About a month later, Mr. Groh was on my train again. This time he couldn't have been kinder. He stopped me, shook my hand (while maintaining direct eye contact,) he even asked how my night was going. It was as if he had just taken a Dale Carnagie course or was returning from a Tony Robbins' seminar. It was obvious what he was doing though; He remembered how poorly he had treated me on our previous meeting, and now he was trying to make up for it. I grudgingly shook his hand, figuring that everyone's entitled to a bad night every once and a while.

A word of advice to St. Peter: When David Groh enters the Pearly Gates, don't say..."Hey, aren't you Joe from Rhoda?"

Thursday, February 14, 2008

"Derailed" turns two. Looks to the future.


Today is “Derailed’s” second anniversary or blog-iversary as my daughter calls it.

Lately, people (i.e. my sisters) have been telling me that I should write a book. They think I should take my best essays, bind them together and send them off to a publisher in New York. With this in mind, I spent the past few days looking over the “Derailed” archives trying to select my best pieces. While I agree that some of my stories are worthy of publishing, I don’t believe I have enough quality work to fill a book. Maybe Someday???
The second problem is the title. There already is a book called “Derailed.” In fact, it was a best seller a few years back, and it was even turned into a popular movie by the same name.

David, my niece Erin's husband, once told me that he loved my blog, but he wasn’t crazy about the title. “How about Off Track,” he suggested. I told him that I thought that this sounded more like a racing form (as in OTB) and besides, I kind of liked the name “Derailed.” But the more I think about it, maybe David's right. After all, he does own his own marketing firm which specializes in “branding” for major corporations.

Here's my idea for the book cover:





Now that the book’s front cover is settled, I started thinking about the back. Maybe there could be a glossy black in white picture of me sitting crossed legged before a giant field stone fireplace. I'm sitting in a big overstuffed leather armchair, dressed in a tweed jacket with leather patches on the elbows. The jacket is accesorized with an ascot (of course). I have a pipe in one hand and a martini in the other. At my feet sit two giant Irish Wolf Hounds.




Note to self: Contact Jake Gyllenhaal to star in “Off Track-The Movie.”




Thursday, February 07, 2008

Customer Service

“Gorgeous. Please don’t lift that big ramp. It’s too heavy… you’ll hurt your back.”

I ignored the advice of the intoxicated, disabled woman passenger and pulled the metal wheelchair ramp out of its sleeve.

Honey, really…I don’t need that ramp. I can wiggle my chair back and forth, and make my way off the train by myself.”

“No,” I said. “There’s a big gap between the train and the platform. You might hurt yourself.”

She spun her chair around and demonstrated her chair wiggling ability. It was then that I saw, for the first time, she was missing both of her legs.

“Sweetie, I see how hard you conductors work, walking up and down that aisle all day long. You have a hard job. You don’t need to be waiting on a girl like me.”

“Really, it’s no bother.” I said. “That’s why I’m here.”

Whenever I see somebody in a wheelchair, I can’t help but wonder how they got there. Was there an accident? Illness? Disease? Birth defect? I didn't dare ask my new friend what happpened, but I tried to figure it out. She appeared to be about 50 years old, but she may have been younger. Her brown hair was unkempt and her skin was pale white. She was missing several teeth, and the few left dangling were yellow and rotting. My guess is that she probably suffers from drug-induced diabetes, which most likely led to both of her legs being amputated.

“Darlin’, you do work hard, and believe me, I know somethin’ about hard work. You see, I have this friend…and he knows men who like to get with women like me. Anyway, when these men pay, I split the money with my friend... It’s usually something like $40 for me and $40 for him.”

She said this so casually, with no trace of shame or modesty. She could have just as easily been talking about her job at Stop & Shop or Walmart.

“These young girls today…they don’t know how to please a customer. They just go into a guy’s car, take his money, but they don’t (get the job done.)”

My friend was getting kind of loud now, and the passengers seated around the vestibule could hear her candid confessions.

She shook her head and said, “It’s just not right to leave a customer unsatisfied.”

I didn’t know quite how to respond to this last statement, so I finally said something stupid like, “Yeah, I guess every profession has its slackers.”

Thankfully, the woman’s station arrived, and against her protest, I laid the wheel chair ramp down over the gap and she rolled herself off the train and onto the platform.

“Gorgeous," She called out, "You forgot to take my ticket.”

“I’ll catch you next time,”
I said, and I stepped back on the train.

As the doors closed, I noticed that several of the passengers were shaking their heads and laughing.

“Hey!” I said. “At least she said I was gorgeous.”

I slid the ramp back into its sleeve, secure in the knowledge that my new friend and I, both know how to give good customer service.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

The Great Freeze

Remember when you were a kid and your mother told you not to make funny faces because "The Great Freeze" was coming and you'd be stuck that way forever. Well I guess mom was right. Look what happened at my home away from home...Grand Central:

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Bob McDonough is 46 and on the Spare Board

This morning-4:06AM

Ring! Ring! Ring!

Me: Um...Uh...Hello!

RR Crew Dispatcher: Mornin' Bob! Today you'll be working job C-312, report time is 6:18

Me: Um...Oh...Okay...Job C-318- report at 6:12

Crew Dispatcher: No. No, that was C-312 at 6:18

Me: Right, right... Okay, job C-318-6:12 report. Got it! Thanks!

CLUNK! CLANG! CLUNK!

Wife (lying next to me): What exactly are you doing over there?

Me: I'm trying to put the phone back in the charger.

CLUNK! CLANG! CLUNKITY-CLUNK!

Wife (now laughing hysterically): What seems to be the problem?

Me: Oh, here we go. CLICK! The charger was upside down.

Wife: UGH!!!

Me: Hey! Be nice to me... It's my birthday.

It's true. Today I turn 46, and because I'm middle aged, I had to immediately get out of bed and pee. I got out of bed into the pitch darkness and stepped right on my work boots. This twisted my ankle and sent me hurtling over a pile of pillows. This in turn, sent me crashing into the ironing board. I somehow felt my way around the ironing board only to smack right into the master bathroom door. After finishing my business in the bathroom, I retraced my steps, and again, walked into the ironing board, tripped over the pillows and stepped on my work boots.

When I got back into bed, I felt the mattress bouncing up and down. My wife was absolutely shaking with laughter.

Wife: What was that?
Me: What was what?

Wife: You know...that little ballet you did to the bathroom and back.

Me: It's dark.

Wife: And the thing before that...with the phone?

Me: What can I say. I'm not a morning person.

Wife: I'm sorry, but you had to see yourself. You looked like you were trying to put a square peg in a round hole..and, no matter what, you were bound and determined that it was going to fit!

Me: Oh, just go back to sleep.

I had almost fallen back to sleep, when I realized I had forgotten to set my alarm clock. When I reached over, I found that my wife had left a flash light on my night stand (sure, NOW I find it). I set the clock for 5:10 a.m. and flipped the switch to what I thought was the "alarm" setting:

GONNA CATCH ME RIDIN' DIRTY...
GONNA CATCH ME RIDIN'...
GONNA CATCH ME RIDIN' DIRTY...
(now BLASTING throughout the room)

I fumbled for the clock, and searched for the "snooze" button. My wife was now laughing so hard that she almost fell out of bed. I reached for a pen to write my job number down, but I couldn't remember...was it job C312 at 6:18 or C318 at 6:12 ? (I didn't dare mention this to my wife.)
At 5:10 a.m. my alarm clock rang. I woke up and started my day....
Older, but obviously not wiser.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Internet is like a box of chocolates...

...You never know what you might get.


I was surfing the net yesterday, when I stumbled upon a blog written by the Editors of Connecticut Magazine. I was delighted to find this post.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Just when I thought I'd heard it all...

While collecting tickets on my train on Saturday, I came upon a dad and his two young children. The kids, a brother and sister, seemed very excited to see me. This is pretty common especially since the popularity of The Polar Express movie. I think they half expected me to serve them hot chocolate, dance around and maybe a do a few back flips. I didn't want to totally disappoint them, so when I took their tickets I punched several holes in them just like the conductor in the movie. The dad smiled, pulled out his wallet and showed me his monthly commutation ticket. Being the trained professional I am, I noticed he had strategically placed his finger over the gender icon on the face of his ticket. Monthly passes are non-transferable, meaning that a ticket holder can't let anyone else (including their spouse) use their pass. A lot of passengers think that conductors are stupid and instead of paying for a ticket, they'll hide the M (male) or F (female) icon on their tickets and try to get a free ride.

"Sir," I said. "Can you please remove your finger so that I can see the whole ticket?"

The dad squirmed in his seat and reluctantly removed his finger. Sure enough, there was a big fat "F" printed at the top.

"Is that your ticket?" I asked.

"Yes it is." He said.

"Okay. There must have been an error when they printed your ticket. It's marked with an "F" for female. If you hand me your ticket, I'll cross out the "F" and write an "M" in its place."

"No," he said. "You can't do that."

He stood up and gave me a beckoning wave toward the vestibule. He then climbed over his daughter and stepped out into the aisle.  I followed him into the vestibule area, which was just out of his kid's earshot range. I expected him to give me one of the same old tired excuses.... something like, I picked up my wife's pass by accident or I took the wrong wallet or I just got out of jail and..etc....etc. But this guy surprised me.

"Conductor," he whispered. "The reason my pass is marked female is... I only dress as a male when I'm with my children. I usually dress as a woman."

I think my jaw hit the floor.

"Okayyyy!" I said, not knowing exactly what to say... "Have a seat."

When I relayed this story to my fellow conductors, they all burst out laughing. I, on the other hand, had to hand it to the guy. When you think about it, it took a lot of courage to admit that he was a cross dresser. I think if I were him, I would have just paid. Maybe I should petiton the railroad to add a new icon..."T" for transgender.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Elm City Blogging

Today, The New Haven Register did an expose' on the hot, happenin' blog scene, in and around the Elm City. Read it here.

Monday, December 31, 2007

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Scenes from a Terminal

The good folks over at Trainjotting have turned me on to a blog called 2nd Avenue Sagas. This blog is similar to Trainjotting, but it puts more of an emphasis on the MTA subway system. On 2AS's latest post, they list a number of movies that were filmed on the subway over the years. This got me thinking about all the movies that have been filmed in Grand Central Terminal (By the way, most people confuse Grand Central Terminal for Grand Central Station. Grand Central Station is the subway stop at 42nd St. The big cavernous train depot with the teal ceiling is actually called Grand Central Terminal.) I Googled the words "Grand Central" and "movies" and was forwarded to About.com, where author Pam Skilling lists her top 5 Grand Central movies (I've added some commentary):

1. North By Northwest

In Alfred Hitchcock's classic film, a Madison Avenue adman played by the dashing Cary Grant is mistaken for a government agent and pursued across the country by a gang of spies. He makes his escape from New York City in an exciting sequence filmed at night inside the real station. This is one of Hitchcock's most masterful and entertaining films. It has everything -- comedy, suspense, and Cary Grant (sigh).

A few years back I had "North By Northwest" actress Eva Marie Saint on my train. When I collected her ticket, I said something like: "Here I am in Grand Central with Eva Marie Saint...I feel like Cary Grant." She gave me a polite smile, but her children (who are my age) got a good chuckle out of it.

2. Midnight Run

This 1988 movie features Robert DeNiro as a bounty hunter who has to transport Charles Grodin from New York to L.A. before he can collect his fee. Grodin is afraid of flying, so DeNiro drags him through Grand Central to catch a train to Los Angeles. This is just the beginning of their long, strange journey. This is one of the best road-trip/buddy movies ever made.

I watched Deniro and Grodin film the Grand Central scene for this movie. It took them several takes, and hours, to get the shot just right. In the film, the scene only last for about two minutes.
Grodin used to ride my train on a regular basis. He is a very nice guy.


Francis Ford Coppola's Cotton Club is set in the legendary Harlem night club during the 1920s and 1930s. Released to negative reviews and bad publicity in 1984, the film is now considered one of Coppola's most underrated. It features a climactic ending (spoilers ahead!) with Richard Gere and Diane Lane (the gangster's moll) boarding the famous Twentieth Century Limited train in Grand Central, headed for a new life in L.A.

A friend of mine used to date Gregory Hines, one of the stars of this movie. She once made him come into Grand Central just so he could meet me. Unfortunately, I had gone out for coffee and missed him.


This underrated gem directed by Terry Gilliam features a spectacular scene in which Grand Central Terminal is transformed into a glittering ballroom filled with waltzing commuters. To film this scene, more than 400 extras waltzed around the terminal from 8 pm until the first commuter trains arrived at 5:30 am the next morning. This modern-day fairy tale also features great performances from Jeff Bridges and Robin Williams (yes, really!).


1978's Superman features some very cool scenes set in villain Lex Luthor's fantastic subterranean lair under Grand Central Terminal. But Superman gets a few points off for cheating. They actually filmed these scenes on a sound stage in London. A for Creativity, C for Authenticity. Either way, Superman is a very entertaining movie featuring a gorgeous, young Christopher Reeve and a portly, campy Marlon Brando as Jor-El.

They filmed this movie long before I started on the railroad. Christopher Reeve did ride my train on a fairly regular basis though. Read my story about him here.

I know that there were a million other movies filmed in Grand Central over the years, i.e. Men in Black, I am Legend, Falling in Love, Madagascar, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but I can't rember them all now. I invite my coworkers to leave comments about their Grand Central movie experiences.
This year, instead of spending New Year's Eve out on the road with the "amatuers", snuggle up under a blanket and watch one of these movies.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

The Gathering

Sometimes I wish I kept a journal while growing up. Then, as an adult, I could easily dig into the past and write witty, interesting, stories for this blog. Instead, I'm left with mismatched scraps of minutia that float around in my brain. They eventually weave themselves together into a holiday tapestry, which plays in the multiplex that is my brain. Grab some popcorn. Now Showing, one such tapestry:

It’s Christmas morning and my mother is standing in the kitchen in front of a bronze colored electric range. She is mashing a big metal pot full of boiled potatoes, still dressed in her bathrobe, her head is wrapped in a toilet paper turban which protects a head full of pin curls that she set the night before while watching The Carol Burnett Show. A Virginia Slim cigarette droops from her lips with a 1-½ inch ash hanging from its tip. “Watch your cigarette…” I call out, but it’s too late, and the ash surrenders to the laws of gravity and collapses into the pot of spuds. My mother makes a half-hearted attempt to separate the ash from the potatoes and then continues mashing.

It’s 1975, and against the protests of my sister Maureen and I, my mother has again invited two mentally challenged coworkers to join us (her nine children, and four of their spouses) for Christmas dinner. Being teenagers, Maureen and I are totally embarrassed by our mother's charity, and compassion. We say things like… “What, are we a soup kitchen?” and “Why can’t we just have a normal Christmas like other families?”

Our mother becomes angry with us, and says that we’re being selfish and missing the whole point of the holiday. “If it weren’t for us,” she says, “these people would be spending Christmas alone."

“Alright,” we bargain. “You can invite Crazy Ann, but can’t Screwy Louie stay home.”

“Too late,” my mother says, “Jimmy (my brother) already went to pick him up.”

“Great,” Maureen says sarcastically. “Remember last year? Louie kept staring at Eileen’s (my sister) chest and yelling, Headlights! Headlights!
Then he spent the rest of the day telling her how much she looked like Elizabeth Montgomery from Bewitched.”

Now I pipe in; “Every year it’s the same thing. Louie walks in screaming Kaymadunna... Kaymadunna. Doesn’t he know your name is Kay McDonough? He says it like it’s all one word. Next, he’ll see me and ask; “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Last year, just to get him off my back, I told him I wanted to be a garbage man. That really set him off. He spent the rest of the day counseling me, saying I should be a doctor or a lawyer, anything but a garbage man. “But I really like trash,” I told him.

We hear the front door shut and soon “Crazy Ann” is standing in the kitchen. She looks as if she has just returned from a series of shock treatment sessions. Her eyebrows are thick and severe looking. Her lipstick is bright red, and smeared across her face. I remember thinking she looked like a cross between Joan Crawford in “Whatever happened to Baby Jane,” and Lady Elaine Fairchild from “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.
If truth be told, Ann really wasn’t crazy, but rather a woman who had a hard life and suffered a series of nervous breakdowns. Each year she sits silently at our Christmas dinner table, doing her best to deflect my mother’s attempts to engage her in conversation with “yes” and “no” answers.

“Ann,” my mother asks. “Do you have a Christmas tree in your apartment?”

“No,” Ann answers. “I’m Jewish.”

Maureen and I glare at our mother.

By noon, with the exception of Jimmy and Louie, all the guest have arrived. It is snowing and my mother is getting nervous. She jumps out of her chair whenever the phone rings and finally, one of those calls is from Jimmy.

Jimmy says that Louie isn’t at his apartment. He rang his bell several times and even circled the neighborhood. Louie is nowhere to be found. My mother is upset by this news, but she tries to stay calm. Maybe, she thinks, Louie got a ride from a friend or perhaps he took a cab to our house and just hasn’t arrived yet. She tells Jimmy to circle the block one more time and then come home. I can tell her nerves are on edge as I watch her stir the gravy,
“Watch out for your cig…” I call, but again I'm too late, and another 1 ½” ash falls into the gravy boat.

While the family gathers round the table, my mother makes a series of phone calls to the New Haven Police Department. Each time she gives a description of Louie to the desk sergeant, explaining that he is a mentally disabled man and that he should have been to our house hours ago. The sergeant says that it's too soon to file a missing person’s report, but that he's sure Louie will show up eventually. We all take turns reassuring our mother the police are right, and then ask her to lead us in prayer by saying "Grace" before our meal. She begins:

Forgive me Father
For I have sinned
It has been…

We all burst out laughing.

As her act of contrition, she runs back to the phone and tracks down Louie’s friends and neighbors. She asks each of them if they know where Louie is. Nobody does. Different scenarios are now racing through her head. Did he forget? Did he get another invitation? Is he lying dead on the side of the road? Her questions are soon answered when Louie finally calls and says that he had gotten another dinner offer, and simply forgot to tell my mother about it. He apologizes profusely.

My mother is furious.

That was the last time Louie spent a holiday with our family. He eventually found a girl, got married, and now eats (nicotine free) holiday meals with a saner group of people. He still thinks I’m hauling garbage somewhere.

I don’t know what became of “Crazy Ann.”

My mother passed away on December 23, 1996 and now the Christmas season is bittersweet for my family and me. We're no longer embarrassed by our mother’s charity and compassion. In fact...we’re quite proud of it.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Rebel without a clue

The railroad is pretty strict about we conductors wearing our prescribed uniform. In fact, there are roves of "Operations Service Managers," (a.k.a. toilet sniffers) who ride our trains day and night, just waiting to ambush a train person who isn't wearing their hat, neck tie or company ID. These managers usually write the person up, and a letter is put in the employee's company file. If a second offense is noted, disciplinary action is taken.

Recently, I heard that the toilet snif...oops! I mean, "The Operation Service Managers," were instructed to to temporarily "look the other way" if they see a conductor wearing a holiday themed tie. So today, when I got dressed for work, I put on my "snowman tie." (Did I just hear a collective gasp from my readers?) Wait... it gets better... it even plays a medley of Jingle Bells, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, and We Wish You a Merry Christmas,"...over and over again. If that doesn't put my passengers in the holiday spirit, I don't what does.

When I got to work, I proudly displayed my tie. It made me feel like "a loner...a rebel", and maybe a little bit dangerous. I was a regular James Dean in blue polyester. I walked into the conductors lounge in Grand Central, with my chest puffed out. I wanted the boys to see just how "wild and crazy" I was. That's when Kevin, a Hudson Line conductor, walked in:




For the past few days, Kevin has been wearing this outfit while working his train. His tie is much louder than mine and his jacket is covered with strings of blinking Christmas lights. If you look closely, you can see that he is wearing the official Metro North conductor's badge on the fur trim of his hat. Huh, I guess he's not much of a rebel after all.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Dan Fogelberg 1951-2007

I know it's not cool to say you like Dan Fogelberg's music anymore. People claim that it's elevator music, and lump him in the same category as Barry Manilow, Barbra Streisand and other "easy listening" favorites from the 70's. To me though, Fogelberg's music means beautiful poetry, played by a master musician. As anyone who had seen him in concert can attest, the man could make a 12 string guitar sound like an orchestra, and he was equally adept at the keyboards. It was his lyrics that really set him apart from the others though. Nobody(with the possible exception of Jackson Browne) could speak to the matters of the heart more poignantly.

Yesterday, Dan Fogelberg passed away at age 56 from prostate cancer. He takes with him a big part of my youth.

In the holiday spirit, I give you "Another Auld Lang Syne."

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Listening to Christmas Carols with my daughters


I'm Dreaming
of a White Christmas
Just like the ones
I used to know...

Hey girls, that's Bing Crosby... He's dead.

Chestnuts roasting on an
Open fire
Jack Frost nipping
At your nose...

You know who that is? That's Nat King Cole...he's been dead for a long time now. Lung cancer....I think?

Have yourself a
Merry little Christmas
Happy New Year too...

Oh! Oh! Oh! That's Karen Carpenter...anorexia nervosa...a real tragedy.

God rest ye
Merry Gentleman
Let nothing you dismay...

That's Robert Goulet, and guess what?

Yeah, we know. He's dead.

Correct!... So recent too!

Adeste Fideles
Laeti triumphes
Venite, venite
In Bethlehem...

Luciano Pavoratti....Morto!!!

Dad...Can you please turn off the radio? You're depressing us.


Monday, November 05, 2007

Trainjotting


About a month ago, I stumbled across an excellent blog called "Trainjotting." It's described as, "a site that covers the picayune details about commuting to Manhattan, and back again."
In this forum, passengers are free to vent about such things as; Messy trains, late trains, crowded trains, fellow passengers, and, if you can believe it... rude conductors.

Mike, the author of Trainjotting, recently asked me to answer five questions for one of his posts. I've reprinted the interview here, with his permission:


1. What’s the craziest thing you ever saw after 21 years on the job?

I once caught two couples having a mini-orgy on one of the late night trains. Passengers having sex on the train is more common than you might think, but this is the only time I caught two couples in action (I was more embarrassed than they were).

The craziest rider award goes to “Rocky,” a 6′4″ cross dresser who regularly rides our rails (all three lines). He usually boards the train as a man, but like a sexually ambiguous Superman, he’ll run into a nearby train lavatory and come out dressed in pink hot pants (with the words “BOY TOY” emblazoned on the back), a halter-top, a feather boa, black platform leather boots and a Tina Turner wig. You should see the look on the other passengers’ faces. It’s priceless.
On a more serious note, the days following 9/11 were definitely the strangest. Read my post about it here:

2. Riders give Metro-North conductors high approval ratings. What grade do you give riders?

My knee-jerk reaction was to give riders poor grades, but that’s because I usually work late night trains when everybody’s drunk and obnoxious. Outside of this demographic, I’d give our passengers a “B.” Most people merely ask us to get them from Point A, to Point B, in a safe, considerate and timely manner. When we don’t meet these expectations, they get a little upset …I can’t fault them for that.

If they’d only clean up after themselves, they’d get a B+.

3. Does the MTA know about your conductor blog? Do they care?

“Derailed” was mentioned in the “Commuters Journal” section of the New York Times last year, and The New Haven Register recently did an article on me.
Both of these articles are posted on the MTA ’s company website, so I guess they’re vaguely aware of me and my blog. I try to be careful and not write anything that would embarrass, or in any way damage the company.


4. If I could implement one rule for Metro-North, it would be…

Communicate…communicate…communicate. I have seen some progress in this area over the past few years, but when the #@%* hits the fan, communication between company and passengers breaks down. I agree that conductors could do a better job communicating as well, but we’re usually left as clueless as the passengers.

5. Which stop has the best riders? The worst?

When my wife was a child, she’d ask her mother, “Which one of us kids do you like best?” Her mother would answer… “I dislike you all equally.”

That’s kind of the way I feel about our stations. Each one has its own unique personality, some good qualities, some not so good. For example, riders from wealthy towns are usually bright and interesting people, but they also tend to be demanding…Some are downright arrogant, (the phrases “I’ll have your job” and “You work for me” come to mind.)
Stations in urban areas are full of hard-working, “salt of the earth” type of people, but it’s here that we find most of our fare evasion problems.

Conductors say that Harlem Line passengers are by far the nicest, most polite people on Metro-North territory. Hudson Line passengers, they say, are a close second. Rumor has it that they say “please” and “thank you” over there. When we New Haven Line conductors hear these stories, we stand with mouths agape in disbelief.