Friday, October 12, 2007

The Absent-Minded Conductor

On the way out the door this morning, my wife stopped me and said:

"Hey, mister...stop taking the razor out of the shower. That's my razor, and you're not to use it. You have your own razor. STOP USING MINE!!!

I ignored the small bits of bloodied toilet paper that spotted her legs and said:

"I'd love to use my razor...if I could ever find it."

"Ugh!!!" She said. "What do you mean, if you could ever find it? You just put a new blade on it yesterday."

I was going to defend myself, but I didn't have time. I was late for work...again. I quickly grabbed my company ID, railroad keys, and wallet from the kitchen counter and reached for my cell phone...but it wasn't there. My first instinct was to ask my wife if she'd seen it, but seeing her mood this morning...I didn't dare ask.

I must have left the phone in the car, I thought. I ran out to my '92 Acura and began searching, first looking under the seats, then through the glove compartment and finally in the trunk. After several minutes, I decided that the phone must be in the house. I ran back to the front door and knocked. My wife opened the door.

"Where are your keys? She asked.

"In the ignition...I think."


The good thing about cell phones, is that when you misplace them, you can always call from another phone and they'll ring and give up their hiding place. It's almost as if they're saying: "Yoohoo, I'm over heeere! With this in mind, I quickly punched my cell phone number into the kitchen phone...(RING-RING-RING) The sound was loud and clear...and...coming from my pants pocket.

My wife just shook her head.

It was now 6:34 a.m., and I was officially late for work. I jumped back in the car and raced down the street. As I was ready to turn the corner, a coyote came out of the woods and darted in front of my car. We lost one of our cats to a coyote some years back, so I wanted to report this sighting to my wife before she let Brenna, our cocker spaniel, outside.

When I opened my cell phone, I saw that there was a "missed call" message displayed on the screen. After pushing several buttons, I discovered that the call came from home at 6:33 a.m. I just left the house a minute ago, I thought... What could she possibly want? Before I became too indignant though, I remembered...I had made the call just minutes ago (you know, the one to find my cell phone...). Now it was my turn to shake my head.

As I drove on, the events of the morning made me think of a program I'd just watched on PBS the night before. Actor/comedian, Steve Martin, was given The Mark Twain Award and several of his peers were in attendance to honor him. Actress Claire Danes told some personal anecdotes, then showed a short film that Martin had made several years ago. It's titled, "The Absent Minded Waiter." The film made me laugh, but it also made me feel a little see, Martin's character hit a little too close to home.


Anonymous said...

Blue-chip Bob. I like the visual to go along w/ your writing.

Anonymous said...

Honey, like they say, half the battle is admitting you have a problem!!!

Although it may sound like I'm quite a bitch, you have to remember that I have been married to this "absent-minded conductor" for almost 19 years...and dated him for 8 years before that! I've dealt with this (on pretty much a daily basis) for almost 27 years. So, it MUST be true love... especially given the fact that I am "Type A" all the way!

I guess the old adage is true: Opposites do attract!!! lol

P.S. I have NEVER used toilet paper on my legs...instead, I got out of the nice, warm shower to find my razor...AGAIN...and, his razor was right in his drawer of the vanity! Uuugghh!!!

glemak said...

classic - glad to see this doesn't just happen in my house, though i'd swear my wife moves my things constantly ;)

Tony Alva said...

Com'on Jill... It's us blog readers here. You can admit it to us, you hide Bobby's razor. It's cool, all women do this including my wife, you're not alone. You put that cell phone in his pocket too didn't ya? How do you women do it?

Jacob said...


i meant no harm. my blog is for a class. the assignment was to pick some blogs on an industry we found on blogshare, yours was in the top 10. it was simply a comparison. again, i apologize.

Anonymous said...

Bobby, I am convinced after many of your blogs that you have ADD non Hypeeractive. I was diagnosed many years ago and can relate with your stories. Gotta love it. The rest of the world is really missing out on our side of reality.