Yesterday, I was standing in my backyard, circular saw in one hand and a sledge hammer in the other. I had spent the better part of the morning ripping apart my old deck and throwing the remaining slices of pressure treated lumber into the weeds in the corner of the yard. I plan on leaving this pile here till I rent a dumpster and dispose of it properly.
Later in the morning, my friend "Pat" stopped by to discuss building a new deck for me. Pat's a macho guy who's an army veteran, Police Sergeant, and part time builder of decks. He came over to survey the job and inspect the work site. Sometime during our discussion, he pulled out a tape measure and started walking past my gas grill. Bees have recently nested beneath the grill's underside and they began to circle Pat. He quickly retreated six steps back.
"You're not gonna let a few bees scare you...are you?" I asked.
I grabbed the tape measure from his hand and stoically marched past the grill and began taking measurements. While doing this, I bragged, saying that I'd never been stung by a bee before.
That's when it happened.
Like a mob hit, the bees (who I believe belong to the Genovese family) surrounded me in all directions. If Scorsese filmed it, the scene would unfold in slow motion:
An unassuming man puts tape measure to garage, when several yellow and black striped missiles cross the screen in formation. The man cries out in pain, then reaches for his right leg. Just then, a Sicilian looking bee attacks from the left and jabs his other leg. The man's body convulses, as another bee (played by Joe Pesce) stabs him in the hip. The man does a little girly man dance and runs for his life. His friend, who is standing at a safe distance, doubles over in laughter.
"Owwww!!! That hurt!" I screamed. My puncture wounds began to burn.
Before leaving, Pat watched as I carried a few more pieces of lumber into the wood pile. "Be careful back there," he said, "those weeds look like poison ivy."
"Ah...don't worry." I said. "I've never gotten poison ivy before."
I better keep some calamine lotion on hand.