Bob McDonough is 46 and on the Spare Board

This morning-4:06AM

Ring! Ring! Ring!

Me: Um...Uh...Hello!

RR Crew Dispatcher: Mornin' Bob! Today you'll be working job C-312, report time is 6:18

Me: Um...Oh...Okay...Job C-318- report at 6:12

Crew Dispatcher: No. No, that was C-312 at 6:18

Me: Right, right... Okay, job C-318-6:12 report. Got it! Thanks!

CLUNK! CLANG! CLUNK!

Wife (lying next to me): What exactly are you doing over there?

Me: I'm trying to put the phone back in the charger.

CLUNK! CLANG! CLUNKITY-CLUNK!

Wife (now laughing hysterically): What seems to be the problem?

Me: Oh, here we go. CLICK! The charger was upside down.

Wife: UGH!!!

Me: Hey! Be nice to me... It's my birthday.

It's true. Today I turn 46, and because I'm middle aged, I had to immediately get out of bed and pee. I got out of bed into the pitch darkness and stepped right on my work boots. This twisted my ankle and sent me hurtling over a pile of pillows. This in turn, sent me crashing into the ironing board. I somehow felt my way around the ironing board only to smack right into the master bathroom door. After finishing my business in the bathroom, I retraced my steps, and again, walked into the ironing board, tripped over the pillows and stepped on my work boots.

When I got back into bed, I felt the mattress bouncing up and down. My wife was absolutely shaking with laughter.

Wife: What was that?

Me: What was what?

Wife: You know...that little ballet you did to the bathroom and back.

Me: It's dark.

Wife: And the thing before that...with the phone?

Me: What can I say. I'm not a morning person.

Wife: I'm sorry, but you had to see yourself. You looked like you were trying to put a square peg in a round hole..and, no matter what, you were bound and determined that it was going to fit!

Me: Oh, just go back to sleep.

I had almost fallen back to sleep, when I realized I had forgotten to set my alarm clock. When I reached over, I found that my wife had left a flash light on my night stand (sure, NOW I find it). I set the clock for 5:10 a.m. and flipped the switch to what I thought was the "alarm" setting:

GONNA CATCH ME RIDIN' DIRTY...

GONNA CATCH ME RIDIN'...

GONNA CATCH ME RIDIN' DIRTY...

(now BLASTING throughout the room)

I fumbled for the clock, and searched for the "snooze" button. My wife was now laughing so hard that she almost fell out of bed. I reached for a pen to write my job number down, but I couldn't remember...was it job C312 at 6:18 or C318 at 6:12 ? (I didn't dare mention this to my wife.)

At 5:10 a.m. my alarm clock rang. I woke up and started my day....

Older, but obviously not wiser.