Monday, November 06, 2006

I rake, Iraq


After careful consideration, I have determined that the trees in my yard are evil-doers. Every year at this time, they dump layer upon layer of leaves in my yard, causing mass destruction to my lawn. I tried to form a coalition of friends to help me route these leaves out, but some of them told me I was rushing in and raking too soon. Other friends told me to, "let the leaves fall where they may." I was especially hurt by the lack of support shown by my friend Pierre. I’m forever helping him out at his house, and you would think that he would return the favor every once in a while. “ Listen Pierre" I said, "You’re either with me or you’re against me.”

This year I decided to use a scorched-yard policy. In addition to my rake, I’m using a leaf blower with a Cheney motor. This baby provides 2000 cfm with 200 mph winds and it really shocks and awes those leaves into submission. The only trouble is, when I get one section of the lawn cleared, insurgent leaves blow in from neighboring yards to take their place. When I clear those leaves, suicidal foliage falls from the branches overhead. It’s a vicious cycle, and I don’t know if I’ll ever have my yard cleared. There’s also a Bush in my yard that’s detaining some leaves in it’s lower branches, and no matter how hard I try to release them, it just won’t let them go. It's very frustrating. I thought my lawn would see me as a liberator, not an occupier... I guess I was wrong. It seems the harder I rake, the tighter the grass hangs onto the leaves. This has resulted in me breaking several rakes and truthfully, the price of this venture is becoming too costly.

I think I need an exit strategy.

10 comments:

Valerie said...

ah! ah! good luck!

Anonymous said...

very clever

Borat Sagdiyev said...

Is niiiiiice!!!!

Cara said...

I love it. You are a great humorist of our times, Bobby, my fellow blogger.

Tom said...

I think it's time to officially proclaim you the winner of the internets.

alan Abel said...

very cogent, deceptively brilliant,submit to op-ed pages please! Alan

celtic chick said...

I love how you turned "bush" into "Bush"!!!!! You are so talented! I am honored to call you my father!

Jamie said...

Bobby, all you need now is a few suicide bombers and your trees will be gone forever. Then you will have to deal with the trees for firewood. Hope you have a fireplace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MotherOf3Guys said...

You need to submit this to the national media..it's awesome!

Tony Alva said...

I'm fighting this same war my friend. You may have inspired me to piggy back on this topic and post myself. I've taken the Clintonian approach of ignoring them by letting them fall and build up until it's really a problem (my wife starts bitching), and then go out and blow them into the woods.