A seedy week in review 9/21-9/28

09/21-Conductor's Lounge, Grand Central:

A group of us were sitting around a table in the conductor's lounge, drinking coffee and decompressing by telling war stories from the previous week. Somehow the conversation turned to women (as it always does) and how many sexy ladies have been riding the trains lately. That's when one of the conductors said that he'd recently been caught staring at a woman's cleavage.
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"How long were you staring?"
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"Too long."
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"How long is too long?"
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"My wife says that I can stare for three seconds... five seconds if I don't have my glasses on. Any longer than that ...I'm a pervert."
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Another conductor said he recently was standing over a buxom woman while she rummaged though her purse, looking for her ticket. He said she had a low cut blouse on and he couldn't help but stare down at her cleavage. The woman looked up, caught him leering, and said..."Honey, you're not gonna find the ticket down there."
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09/27/08, Train 6500
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A drunken middle aged businessman boarded the train with a "Leg Show" porno magazine under his arm. He staggered down the aisle, stopping occasionally to show the centerfold to anyone who would look in his direction. Finally, he spied a cute college girl and he sat down next to her. He began flirting with her and started flipping through his magazine, showing her the pictures. I could see she was disgusted, and after several minutes, she screamed:
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"I'm a lesbian...Leave me alone."
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"That's okay," he said, "I'm a lesbian too."
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He then went into graphic detail, saying what he and lesbians have in common. That's when I stepped in, saying that the lady obviously didn't want to be bothered and that he should move his seat. He reluctantly agreed and walked back to the rear of the car, where he found a whole new group of people to pester.
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09/28 Train 6537
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A Stepford wife was sitting in a four seater with an aluminum foil covered sheet cake lying on the seat across from her. The train was crowded, but there were still some seats available. I didn't say anything at first, but by Westport the train was packed and we had several passengers who were standing. I walked by the woman and saw that her cake was still on the seat; "Mam," I said,"please take the cake off the seat. We're very crowded," I then pointed to the five people who were standing in a nearby vestibule.

I moved on and continued to collect tickets, but when I returned (some five minutes later) I found seven people standing, and the woman's cake still on the seat.
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"Mam, please remove your cake, others would like to sit here."
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"No," she said as if annoyed, "I asked if anyone wanted to sit here and they said no."
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"We still have five station stops to go," I said. I'm sure someone will want to sit here."
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She still refused to move the cake.
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"Listen," I said, "Either you take the cake off the seat, or I'll have you and the cake removed from the train."
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It was starting to drizzle out, and I envisioned her standing on the platform, cake in hand, while the song MacArthur Park played in the background:
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Someone left the cake out in the rain

I don't think that I can take it


'cause it


took so long to bake it


And I'll never have that recipe again


Oh,no!
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She finally picked up the cake and placed it in her lap.
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"This is unbelievable," she huffed.
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"You're unbelievably rude," I countered.
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At Stamford, a young lady boarded the train and sat where the cake had been. She seemed happy to find a seat and I was happy that she found one. There's nothing worse than fighting with a customer about opening up a seat and then nobody sits there.