Cupid's Lost and Found

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, a day when many a railroad conductor turns to thoughts of... free flowers and candy.

Let me explain.

According to the railroad rules and regulations, whenever a passenger leaves something behind, we (the crew) are to bring it to the railroad’s lost and found department in Grand Central Terminal. This enables the forgetful passenger to come back at some later time and collect their forgotten item. The only exception to this rule is in the case of perishable goods, such as flowers and candy. The lost and found department refuses to accept these items out of fear of spoilage.

History has shown that on Valentine's Day many a harried businessman or woman forgets to take their newly purchased bouquet of flowers or boxes of candy with them when they exit the train at their station stop. This has proved very beneficial for crewmembers that on past Valentine's Day have collected enough flowers to make any funeral home jealous and enough candy to send anyone into diabetic shock.

Last year I made the mistake of making my usual announcement, the one about watching your step when leaving the train and don’t forget to take your personal belongings with you. Apparently my passengers must have heeded my warning. Nothing was left behind. This really ticked off my fellow crewmembers. They were planning on bringing their newfound booty home to expectant lovers. “How dare you make that announcement,” they asked.

I always thought it was kind of cheesy to bring home found Valentine gifts to your significant other. It’s like saying, “ I love you… but not enough to spend $25.”

Every Valentine’s Day my wife asks, “Tell the truth…did you find these flowers or did you REALLY buy them?”

Next year... I’ll save the receipts.